Living stories

2012-01-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

"Darling, I can never win, can I?"

Those were the last words she trusted to the steps behind her. Gazing at the sincere sky printing her name is bright lights contained inside the stars, she was able to smile for a brief moment between the tears she meant to hide for a long while now. Her feet moved slowly underneath the floor covered with watered stains of the past rain, her hands were safely saved inside the pockets of her faded blue coat. As her white scarf blew against the rage of the wind, her hair made swirls of whistling endeavor.

Giving a deep sigh, her eyelids closed for the briefest of moments as she heard the silence guiding her way. Even though it was a peaceful night concerned in a cocoon of well wrapped mysteries, her mind was the most scandalous mess that she wasn't able to control alone. It was all about words which didn't concern her, balloons of scribbles attained to the back of her head in such a worrying manner; sentences and actions which made her head bobble in dizziness and untrustworthy features.

One feature she had is that she met the future expectations about her inside the lips of the people she cared about the most and, foolishly, she always tried to give the best to fulfill everything they wanted and wish. In the end, it wasn't about her happiness but about the happiness of the ones who surrounded her; that was, exactly, what made her simultaneously happy, when she knew that the people she loved were able to be in an irradiating sensation with her.

Yet, even though things pretended to go around the right way, there was always a glitch between the actions she committed. Few were the people who actually appreciated what she did and more were the people who were blinded by their own ego and jealous knives that pierced her soul in every sleep she tried to have. Complaints were constantly the good morning whispers she heard; yelling was the chanting around her presence before she could close her eyes every single night.

It was atrocious, it was damned. When she thought she'd be able to move on, there was always a rock in which she would trip just by trying to share their heart with others. Perhaps she was able to find shelter around souls which still cared about her first beyond their own needs, but the people who were supposedly not worth it , handled her mind like a well shaped container of clay because of past memories which were reported as good when times were better and transformed into darkness once they found that she'd to anything to please them.

Tears became her first solution, sitting in the edge of a room would be her home for the longest while. Deep in her heart she knew she was doing wrong, but she felt even guiltier to think that people weren't able to be happy even if she gave the very best for her; she felt heartbroken when everything went unappreciated.

The major problem was that she cared too much. Absolutely much, and that tainted her soul with the slightest of scars.

She felt like she would never win a battle. Not because she didn't try her best, but because she tried her very best to not hurt anyone around her even though they were hurting her unexpectedly; for her there was no form of defense but to stay frozen in silence.

Yet, as she walked slowly through diminishing trees and the breathless moon, her thoughts still crawled against her skin as she tried to clear everything by shaking her head. All that she wished at the moment was to stay, even for a brief moment, thinking that everything would be alright.

"Hey!" She could hear a voice calling, she didn't turn around. Since she arrived alone, she didn't think anyone would be able to talk to her, especially a voice she didn't recognize.

"Hey, wait!" The voice said again, this time she could feel how a hand took a grip of her shoulder as she turned around. The image of the stranger made her freeze, not only because she didn't know who this person was, but also because of the beauty contained in him. Wearing a black coat, he smiled. Her gaze went to his back, she saw how a shadow drawn as wings turned into disappearance; she instantly thought it was a sense of her imagination.

"Y-Y-Yes?" She opened her lips.

"Are you ok?" The stranger asked, looking straight into her light brown eyes. His eyes were also brown; behind the darkness of them, she was able to see such a bright aura.

"I-I am..." She replied, feeling how his touch was still on her shoulder. "W-Why?"

"I'm sorry if I scared you" He responded, grinning. "I just saw you earlier and I couldn't help but to see if you were ok" His eyes were still deeply looking at her. "I can see that you are not, though." He pointed to her eyes. "You can tell me you are...but the light purple color below your eyes tells me you haven't slept; the sadness behind your pupils tells me you're in pain."

She took a deep sigh. How could he know that? Was he inventing everything? Was it just a game to wrap her around his charm? Or did he really wanted to help?

Opening her lips to say something, she questioned whether to tell him the truth or tell him she was fine and walk away. Deep inside the corners of her mind, she knew that around her life a stranger wouldn't do much harm if she compared them to the people she knew already. Her gaze lifted, giving a tired sigh. "No, I'm not ok. Haven't been for a while."

"I know I can't be able to ask you for an explanation..." He started walking as he saw her feet moving. "But even though you may not know me, you can trust me."

Her feet still moved as she took a deeper look into his face. "H-Have we met before?" She suddenly asked.

He smiled. "No..." His eyes went down to see the floor as she still looked at him in a reflexive manner. The trail of her sight went off once she turned to walk into the block's corner. A thin silence was shared before she was able to talk properly, telling him about how she was feeling and the situations she has encountered in her past and present; he heard her carefully, analyzing each word and paragraph she expressed as he saw how she moved her hands slightly in order to express herself better.

"That's practically it" She finally said, feeling how her eyes shattered a little bit, drawing a thin layer of water on them. "It's as if...no matter how I much I try to make everyone happy, I can never win, ever. There's always something wrong."

"It's because you always think first in others before yourself." He expressed. "In order to be happy, you need to make yourself happy first." They kept walking, until she reached a stop in front of a house which was automatically familiar to her; her house.

"You do know that if you're sad, it's because you're letting others take advantage of you, right?" He made a sudden stop and took one of her hands inside his toasted skin. "If you're giving the very best inside a friendship or inside a relationship, you shouldn't be afraid, you shouldn't be sad. You know why? Because you're giving everything with all of your heart. If they don't know how to appreciate what you do, the only thing you should do is to ignore them and keep going with the kindness you irradiate from your soul. I know sometimes it's difficult to not care, because in several points of your life, they became extremely important to you. I know it's sad that around trails of your livings, things get shattered because of further egos, because they get blinded in their own necessities and never respect yours." He grinned, interlacing her fingers with his. "But please do know that there's people out there who still love you for who you are, and who will see everything good that is in you. Please do know that there's still people out there who wish to have someone like you in their lives; people who will appreciate you even more than the past ones."

She looked at him surprised. His words flew with the sense of love and caring; with protection and brightness. "You shouldn't be afraid because, they're the ones who are losing; not you. You're growing, they are not."

And, suddenly, his arms extended themselves as he came closer to her; tightening her inside a warm hug while bleak tears fell cautiously down her eyes. She felt how she was encapsulated into bright cocoon, lightness surrounding her. As her eyes went wide, she tried to decipher what was happening as she felt a fervent kiss getting sealed on her forehead.

"Everything will be fine, I promise." He whispered. "Because I'm always by your side. You thought I was familiar to you...well, I am. I'm always there, and always will be. You're one of the few people who still holds the biggest of hearts. Be strong, kid. Good things await for you."

Out of the blue, a streak of captured lighting and flashes happened; leaving her with her hands over her face and her knees on the floor. As her ears started to sense more peaceful and common sounds, her hands went down slowly; she was left alone, he was no longer there.

Standing up, she looked above as she took out one of her hands into the air and stretched her fingers. A single, long feather fell on them. Looking at the pure white color in it, she gazed at the deep dark blue sky and smiled.

"You're winning, for I am there with you; always."

Disquieted.

2011-01-24T02:43:00.000-08:00

I fell through unmentioned words. I felt like I was falling through broken shadows.

They were piercing all around my skin, figuring its way to get in and kill the last spark I had inside a hopeless jar. It was like if something else was transforming itself from a miserable past, it was like if my mind and my voice presented changes throughout the falling.

It was just how the sharp edges of basic lettering cut the connection which came from my throat to my mouth, from my mind to my heart. I was starting to feel the pain caused by so many words trying to travel further than only my body; they couldn't understand that I had to keep them inside because I preferred to have the excruciating sensation of their yells inside of me than hitting someone so violently with them.

They slowly started to make a kind of escalator without my permission. They betrayed me for my own good, I knew that. Words tend to remain saved inside oneself; but once they're powerful enough, they decide to leave you without noticing.

Maybe because they're ready to hit another life by traveling around the space of time, around the air which levels them to round on another one's thoughts. They can't stay with you forever, unless you tell them they're a particular secret; or something really special to you.

It's like if they knew you. Like if they knew what is going on around you, how good can they be or how painful they can become towards your presence; since they work along with your own brain and heart, they're little steps which can guide you or destroy you, depending on the usage you give them.

And while I was slowly dying from the inside, my words didn't want to rotten. They knew they were powerful enough to make me suffer, so they decided to leave me so other thoughts could travel around my head: Newborn positive phrases.

This is when I softly became disquieted. Unraveling the random words from inside my head, pulling the garbage cans with hitting words and unamused paradigms out of the city of myself. Not because I didn't want to remember...but because I didn't want to feel the scratches of past broken shadows shouting my name to practically get out for my own good.

I became disquieted in the terms of not letting myself down again, saving unnecessary words. Pulling myself as a shield when the action isn't really appreciated it.

It isn't always good to save what you truly feel. Even though it's the truth that some phrases aren't really need to be said, if it's almost killing you inside...you need to say it. Without pretending, without further explanations. Become disquieted.

My Most Precious Thing.

2009-07-16T17:07:00.000-07:00

It was just the cutting of edges; the permanent sensation, or perhaps the way she made me feel everytime I entered through the door or peek inside the window. It was; maybe, the continuation of this feeling I thought it was long gone; the spark that I thought it was already blown between us. Just by the feeling of going blind; I still could feel the scent which never fade away from my nostrils; her skin that still remained invisibly wrapped around my touch, her smile; the killer pronunciation boiling in my veins.

It may sound slow; it may sound a bit out of order, but the only thing that I've ever desired when the days around her were still on process; was the just feeling of her lips. Those two conservative petals I've never dared to touch when they were near my existence. I've never knew how though; it may just be because of the strong feeling of unconscious love that I was feeling everytime I could feel her pace being at my side.

Now every single day I've been telling myself that throughout life; I've never regretted any action I've done, and yet the voice deep inside told me how regretful I was for the undone; which was, not running inside a climate of desperation and asking her to stay; maybe I was with too much pride, maybe I was with too much of a gentleman posture. Or maybe, even maybe; I'd have thought that she'd come back once I told her I had nothing else than a feeling, but just a friendship; you know?

I actually never noticed how stupid; or how non-illustrated I was for not noticing on time.

I have to wake up tired; tired of not being her the one that could take company of myself when watching movies where I'd like to hear her melodic laugh; for not being her the one that could drink with me when nobody could; for not being her the one who could stay hours past midnight just talking inside awkward conversations, and have the pleasure to listen to her voice every single day, every single afternoon, every single night.

Tired for just seeing her at days; and others not; tired of having to fulfill that contemplative feeling in other people; in other girls that could not ever compare to the power that she could gave me by just pulling her nailing look burning my essence.

Tired of knowing, that I love her; but yet I can't deceive the feeling of breaking all the other stuff we had because of that; of ruining the friendship we forever had. It was something difficult, but at the same time, It was something I wanted to let out of my throat without any resentment or pain.

There it was where I counted the days; I counted the occassions, I counted the several signs that only leaded me to the same reason; over, and over, and over again. It was when I decided to walk through the blocks that kept me blinded from everything, when I decided to finally look closely and find myself in something else than just the usual.

Somehow I was just waiting for the moment to hit me; for the moment to, perhaps, blow me away or even slap me in the face like situations in life usually do. But this time I knew; I had to discover the moment by my own self; and try to get the best out of it.

I kept walking; kept thinking, kept imagining the right moment when everything would be whether deteriorated or just make a brighter appareance. Some minutes passed before I could take the glance of that foggy window that she dared to clean every single moment she could.

I kept watching over the window; until the hit of a blueish napkin hit the glass and it started to travel in multiple circles. I could tell it was her, doing what she always did; making a full circle in the middle of the window, keeping it away from the slight blindness that ocurred because of the rain, and glancing towards the street with her deep, light eyes and a smile over her face. In this way; I asked myself whether by knowing her actual actions, I was just being a dumbfolded romantic or a total creeper. I could not know more.

But ahead my direction was the presence I wanted to look at. While she cleared the window and watched towards the direction I was watching; I could see that she smiled even wider than she usually did. I didn't even know if it was some kind of sign; but she always did that when I was around. Anyway; I smiled as well. It was like if I was trying to tell her if I could name this the day.

Pushing the door now in front of me; I could hear the ringing of the coming in, while my nostrils itselfs devoured the sweet smell of cinnamon, bread, and coffee. It was where she worked, it was where I visited everyday; it was where I just decided to put a step ahead and watch the result.

"Hey" I called; seeing her behind the counter while she put a cinnamon roll inside a transparent, glossy box.

"Here you go sir; that would be 2 dollars." She said; with that music of a voice up in Heaven gave her. I saw her picking up the two dollars and some gray haired, well dressed guy thanked her and left the store. "Hey!" She answered; walking towards me, only a wood, long bar was separating us.

"How's it going, I guess fine; as always." I said, while she smiled and nodded.

"Everything fine; you know it already." She said; looking at me. Somehow, I did not know what to say; which opportunity to take next into my condescending words. I just watched her image; her pale skin, her eyes, her smile; just, everything about it, everything that made me all nervous and shaky inside.

"Are you alright?" She asked me. I couldn't help but gulp. I put the palm of my hand over the polished counter, looking down and closing my eyes. I wanted to breathe heavily, I wanted to take a deep sigh; yet at the same time I didn't want anything of this to change. I looked up again; seeing how her hair fell graciously over her face; framing her almost perfectly. If not totally.

I heard her medium steps walking to one side to the other; until her presence fully reached me, standing in front of me and looking to my pathetic image standing on the other side.

"Andrew?" She recalled; she always called me Andrew when she was serious, or when she was upset at me. My nerves wanted to blew off; my scared switch had turned on.

"I...just..." I wanted to take the opportunity to just; threw all over myself with my feelings; since I didn't know how to start or even react. "Could we; talk like ... in private or something?" I followed; looking to my surroundings.

"Sure" She said, her tone of worriedness made me feel guilty. She took my hand and tossed me over a room that was full of coffee pots, boxes, slices of bread in several bags and recipients full of cinnamon, sugar; and all of that stuff. Closing and locking the door, she looked at me for the third time today. "Now, tell me; What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong; I just..." I said; I could hear my voice breaking, my heart pumping faster with each word. "I wanted to tell you something since so long ago. I don't know how to start, I actually wish I was having a dialogue like I do in Saturday Night Live so I could express myself properly..."

"Just spill it" She told me; I tried to look at her as much as I could.

"I've just been wondering lately. The many days we've spent together since we first met. I've been thinking; all the moments we've lived, and everything that we've said." I gulped. "And, do you remember when I told you that I had nothing else than a feeling; but just a friendship? That day when we were just randomly talking about, friends to become into a girlfriend, boyfriend relationship and all."

"Uhm. Yeah." She said, I looked at her hands; one was constantly moving while the other rested on her shoulder, trying to get a grip over all of this. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"Well I've; you know, I just had this day when thoughts were all I had to do. I sat in my bed; and just started reminiscing. Having constant flashbacks, welcoming all the memories that could be at my reach. And I remember that certain quote so easily; when I told you I just felt a sincere friendship, which I do; but within time I realized the feeling was magnifying. I realized, that I...that, everytime I looked at you; I looked at you differently; I looked at you with such emotion, I looked at you like I've never looked at anyone before. This repetitive loop that has not let me sleep." I took a deep sigh, as I got close to her; her eyes got wide by the words I was articulating; "And it is like; like if I wanted to do something else everytime you grab my hand, everytime I see your eyes, everytime I smell that perfume of fruits you wear; or everytime I watch you smile by just cleaning a window inside a bakery."

Some way or the other; she started to laugh. I looked at her in disbelief; while at the same time I laughed by just hearing her. Perhaps she thought that everything I said was a joke; and why not, sometimes she didn't know when I was joking and when I was real enough to pull out a classical speech.

"And I, don't know." I said. "The only thing that I do know, is that I..." Suddenly I got closer to her; putting my hand against the blank wall and feeling inside my stomach a fuzzy sensation inside. "I love you. Perhaps I did not notice earlier; but it is better late than never."

She looked at me in shock; while I just couldn't help but to get even closer to her. It was unevitable to pass my arm around her waist, and to almost glue her presence against mine. It was like if that was all I needed to do; what I had to do.

"Andy, what are you-" Her words I didn't let her finish; my lips were just eager to catch hers and finally taste what it was the flavor of a powerful Heaven in Earth; by just cupping her cheek against my hand; and trying as much as I could to not break the beautiful sensation my whole mind could perceive.

When I thought I was going to gasp for air; I just hugged her tightly against my chest; pulling my lips to breathe while I rested my head over her shoulder. I could think she was just laying there; motionless. But instead, she put her hand against my back, rubbing it up and down.

"Are you sure about everything you said and did?" She whispered in my ear; while I just laughed in a low volume.

"Yes." I said "You do know I don't regret what I've said and done, not ever." I pulled my head up and looked at her. "And if it's about you; less I regret."

It was one of those moments where just triumph enters inside your head and suddenly some song of glory takes the background of the scene invisibly. While she watched me smile and I watched her smile, just telling me that somehow she was waiting for the moment to come, and she was waiting to tell me those three words;

"I Love You." She finally said, hugging me tightly; being able to taste her lips all over again.

It is funny how a story can neatly begin or sometimes begins all messed up; and how magically ends with a golden ribbon adorned on the top of it. I do believe there's no bad endings. Unless you really want to have a miserable one. But Anyway.

She was and is my most precious thing. And I'm happy it ended this way.

Sleepless Label.

2008-12-30T02:09:00.000-08:00

Feeling his strong arms around my chest.

Conquering the world by only feel the reflection of my presence inside the pool of his eyes.

Senseless and bedazzled; drowning inside the hair that my hand once dared to explore.

His lips; the rose from within that I never sealed with mine and once brushed with my finger;
The pale hands that adorned his smile; while his cheeks burn in deep red everytime he presumed to laugh without any effort.

Everything that I pretended to feel; that I wanted to touch, that I just dared to live; laid deep inside the corners of my imagination. When that dream that you see unreachable is only seconds away, transported by the mind of a creator.

The reason of why I cannot sleep even if I wanted to; even if I wished to, like Tonight.

It's like if fantasy only haunted me instead of making a day better; like if everything felt so alive inside my flesh that the only thought of living there forever could come true for once.

It was strange, uneven, disgraceful perhaps. The only sensation made me feel like if it wasn't from my body; of if like I was suddenly changed by another nerve in a matter of seconds.

Even I felt my own steps running into the deserted mind of my own which started to get crowded with many memories of the what-could-be as I passed through it; only in a short period of time before I could look to my surroundings and watched the city that I made.

But then I was falling apart; pieces of my soul began to get stuck in my throat as I picked them up and started to dream again. Because I knew everything was from my own awake dreaming; keeping the reason of not closing my eyes as an excuse.

& maybe that was the reason that's been keeping me awake the latest nights.

Like Tonight; starred sky with a sleepless label.

One of the Days.

2008-12-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away;
now it looks like though there are here to stay."

One of the days when you really don't want to talk about anything.

One of the days, when everything that you thought could cheer you up; was suddenly destroyed in front of your eyes.

When all the sensitivity that you had once, when all the hopes that you had one day; were just completely threw over another swimming of waiting; waiting to pick them up when you were ready again to have them by your side. When just a look, when just a memory could for a moment break everything that you once thought, everything that perhaps could be another future in a moment.

When you close your eyes; and behind your shadow you just think there could be a high crystal pondering through your chest; when you just wait to be blind and not prefer to watch anything else but the simply yesterday.

"Oh I believe, in yesterday."

And then you sit down; thinking about the reasons of why you did wrong, or if even you were the one who did wrong. Or why, why drops of long water seem to fall from your eyes and then they're placed far away from the floor; just because of something simple that becomes in a detonator of a bomb shell.

Like if that was the only thing you can think of; and you actually believe you can't live with it because you certainly know that something else could be done if you could only have spoken; but the seriousness within your face showed another matter. But then you think; and deep in the corners of your mind that you actually regret to open quite suddenly, like a boom by the only touch of the pale hands of another one; and stare lonely at the white wall putting its glance on you.

"Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
There's a shadow hanging over me."

Was it something you said, was it something you did not say.

Was it, that, only the destiny wanted to watch you crash all over again? or was it just another matter of time before you get what you want and the person by your side gets it all by this day.
It's like if a million random thoughts connected in ten seconds, or even less if you dare to count them; when only a simple reason could be the dead end of a during encircling; when the good times prayed to stay, but they just faded away for that "one of the days."

You look at others; and in your mind I know the question just pops around you; "why not me?" , why you aren't the one with the happy smile, why you aren't the one with that person holding hands, why you aren't the one sharing positive stories to others, why you are just the one that was again smashed to the concrete just because you had those hopes that again, you once ran into; and just decided to pick them up, not even thinking if another person would pick up the same hopes again, not even thinking if that person could win what you wanted.

"Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away."

But then again; those are just "one of the days". One of the days when you only need to get far away because something inserted nervousness inside your lungs; one of the days when you only wished you could be invisible and not being asked the why of the all the things you're thinking about. One of those days, that you exactly knew would come, and you knew the exact reasons, but still you weren't really aware of it; because of all the things that you had before. Because, why to avoid a smile above a simple touch, a sincere glance above all other stuff counted before.

At the same time you could notice that "one of the days" are just as well another way to show you the real people that are by your side, because you actually can't turn back to yesterday, even if you believe in it. You just have to move on, and perhaps even if the memories that crushed you once were still there, to just leave them away with the swimming that you once, twice, left. Because you believe that all things happen for a reason, and that something better will come to your door if you only take a few steps, because actually, there was still nothing behind it.

"I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday."

Still there will be golden moments, still there will be "one of the days". But then what it is life but a rollercoaster that, I am sure, we all the enjoy to ride with the up's, and that we all need to stand up from the lows that may come. The need of believing in ourselves, and to keep the shadow by our pace; the need of just feel that we are not alone, and the need of walking up the hill; because even then, you may find everything that you wished before, everything that you fall before, just, everything.

Paragraphs in Bold: "Yesterday" - The Beatles.

When Was It?

2008-10-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you looked at me with the shine in your eyes.

When was the last time you decided to grab my hand and actually never let go.

When was the last time, that you told me with your smile that you'll protect me.

When was the last time, that all those truths became into lying secrets.

When was the last time, that your glance got tired of looking and decided to take another direction.

When your perpetual armor behind me suddenly fell down, and all the dreams that I decided to build all over the sky were again inside the palm of my hands. When was, when you wanted to be there, sitting by my side; talking about random stuff while my silence comforted you.

When you looked at me while you went down on the disappearing, pretending to be a frozen moment of good-byes and sudden regrets; but there was still a tomorrow. When was, when you could kill the time and make me see all in just one fair second; when your golden hair only seemed the most beautiful thing on earth, your pale face, your changing of colors eyes.

When was, when you decided to keep me on the same spot forever, when you wanted to hide all the false love you had for me. When was, when you wanted to touch me but then left me with the only sensation.

When you could play and I could only follow you, when your voice was the rhythm of a heart beat. When was, when everyone said you would have eyes for me, when I could see you glimmering from a first floor and I would only fly into your presence.

When was all that?

When was the time where I hide my big wings and caught only a smaller ones, in the fright of only have them broken. When was the time when my intuition told me that all of those good times were only good times of the past; and that they would never transform into the future. What was the last thing you said to me, which were the exact words you whispered that transformed into an unexpected good-bye.

When I thought that something would be different; when I thought that all of it could be just a faint, but strong hope and only became a faded one. It was all of that; your persuasion, my intuition, after all; what was all that.

When was the last time when the truth was given to me, when I already knew all of that. When was the last time that I broke into tears and left all of that saved in the past, and then I followed the next days, when I knew all of that would happen, and when I thought you'll be forever the good person that I met.

When was all that?

The answer was perhaps never. Never; never because most of the things were only kept on my mind; never, because maybe all the stuff that I thought of was never on your mind, never; because sometimes I dared to think that way, never, because some situations were the truth; never, because it just stood that way.

Perhaps that's why my subconscious still keeps its imaginary hands around you, making me dream even when I don't think about you; or perhaps it was just a faint sign that will vanish within time.

When Was It?

You're still holding all of my heart.

2008-07-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

& everything started months ago; when I thought this actual dream would never come true in a life of a rare teenager. Right now; my eyes only dare to see a pure memory reflected through my pupils; gaining the beating of my heart to only go faster.

It was this day, which I call yesterday; where the lights of burning fire came straight into my presence, even though the far away distance made it slighter; the presence of these three people coming out from nowhere made it more special. This was the time when, my air became intoxicated by a called, somehow, adrenaline. Thinking I've always dreamt of it; thinking this couldn't be it, but actually; it was a reality.

The singing of their voices; the complete staring of their presence; the sounds of melodic sensations and the constant breathing of energy and well mannered yells that suddenly became a wave inside that big stadium I stood. It was all puzzled perfectly to become a day that I would never forget; where those three boys who became my adoration became happier than ever, knowing that we would never let them down towards their music.

It was the smile on their faces the fulfilling emotion during the whole passing hours. Where the quotes became my silent reflection; and their far away semblants became my joyful sound, when I heard their live voices, when I saw their live movements; when I lived their living emotions; the superhuman hability of moving a stage into the highest area, everything between it, everything inside it; made me admire them even more.

Trying to find if this was really true; my eyes just couldn't help but blur into the white piano of this constant living; his eyes told me that we were living in it; in that day; and inside his aura; I found peace, and support. Along the other two, that with him completed the trio I've been mentioning since the beginning, my question resolve itself by just saying, 'yes, I am here. Really I am.'

Perhaps this would be a short story for the day; but written, or even talked words are not enough to describe what I feel right now. It's more than pure words, more than the even actions; it was just amazing, wonderful, excellent. I can't imagine how much I've left of myself in them; but inside my heart, they're saved deeply inside.

Couldn't be more but thankful for making me live one of the best days of my life; to feel the sensation of wooing most of the hours along with their company, and singing all the songs that've changed my life into positive and happier sensations.

Perhaps I was far away; and maybe my voice left me for a while when this finished; but the memories, the memories in which I close my eyes and I feel again there; like if it was in the today; nothing and no one would take them away.

July 12th: Jonas Brothers Concert in Irvine, California.

Thank you for existing, thank you for being an inspiration; thank you for rocking the world with your music, your presence and your aura.

Hope to see you soon, because it was awesome.

Unusual friendship.

2008-06-07T18:37:00.000-07:00

Sound of gravity, drag me out and sink me into flying.

All that I dared to speak seems constantly confusing, my pale hands only finish in grabbing my head and lay all the thoughts inside the fingers; I just keep attempting regret when I actually don't regret anything. My soul just carries an uncommon weight that's not even mine; the shadow of a friend hanging on me since yesterday, or perhaps since many weeks ago.

It's amazing how something that was not even yours could hurt you so deeply if commited the wrong terms; you just feel your words and actions were never enough; were never actually heard. Somehow my face is different today; something made me happy once now it's not taking the effect twice. Sometimes I wish my yelling disappeared from the invisible jar I'm saving it; sometimes I wish I could just tell her: 'Follow your heart' and then leave myself without putting a confused face on her.

But the friend just don't seem to understand anything at all; my eyes keep fighting to not be red, my palms keep hanging on safe place. My patience is too much; her problems have gone over the limit of both; and it's just one solo problem changing in the same exact ways.

How can I find all the answers when she's still inside the problematic lava? Is it more difficult to live the problem? And then why, if she just pulled me into that living problem even if I didn't want to. Could it be we've lived in different survival modes and games and I'm the strongest? or the weakest.

And I still speak for herself; like a puppet with strings that never wants to let go of them; and myself obligating to hold them around the tips of my fingers. The sounds just seemed to grow louder of louder as slowly attacked my head, falling deeply into forgetting a total Hold On; and the vase where my patience used to be just broke in a thousand pieces.

The eyes could grew bigger, but my presence just couldn't held to the same sensation again, I didn't want to that; the term friend for her just grew into protection; unusual protection that I was not able to make completely. A friend is supposed to give you advice, is supposed to be there when things go wrong and achievings decide to go good. A friend, does not tell you to hold your hand through all life depending on that; it tells you to let go of it, and live your life, while the friend lives the life it was made; still standing by your back in case you fall.

The thing is, I got tired of holding her arms everytime she fell, which was for the next ten seconds, and then the next. I thought she wanted to just be glued by me; while I didn't want to. Either I wanted to go back o a beginning, I just wanted to help her while I just realized I was drowning as well, my force was just drained by the thoughts of a foreign person.

"I'll come back when you call me"

Sometimes it's better to follow your heart than follow an advice. Because it's your life, and people have different modes of taking a glance around their surroundings; a different mode of living.

While myself, I dare to say; I'll still stay by your side, friend. That I don't feel the same feeling as you do does not mean I am meant to forget the single details, the favors the opposite have done for me. There's no need to say good-bye.

Inside my quiet words I shall tell you what I've been thinking, inside myself I shall decide I can hear you; while my patience decides to grow once again. Because we all have to make mistakes, and because we all need to let go of thoughts; I'll just come back when you call me, I am there.

And at the end, Let's just keep ourselves saving this unusual friendship.

But don't tell me to turn into one; we were not made for that.

Life's writer.

2008-04-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

[random material]

Sun shining so brightly, the air saving inside my lungs, a reminder of living.

The streets seem to be uncommonly pacific; the sound of fading cars letting you know this is an actual moving world.

People passing, faces contempled between different situations, someone willing to stay: some others willing to change.

Walking through the skies my eyes burn sweetly on wonders, the sudden happiness of a yet to know reason; our smile was never that big. Moving trees and shadow pieces, gray stones and colorful leafs.

Talking persons, doubting questions...how much you can see in this already painted canvas we all call life? It's such a transgressive story without an exact ending. Examinating, all can happen here, mixed by the fantasy and nightmares; the ocean and a tormenting darkness.

So they say it's silly to be afraid of the simplest things; then why to be happy about a little detail? The different thinking which makes this words be amazed in wonder; the reason of why every single one dares to be unique or only follows another one.

Living dreamers, fantasy makers, common workers, the hopeless and many terminations you could give to all the people; but the air still blows the same, so how to be aware of what to follow? Inspirations, passions, likings and surroundings.

Everything is there, but sometimes we act blind; and why to be blind, if we already know this isn't a whole pink life after all?

Over this moment, some man just attacked my lungs with disliking cigar blowing air; but perhaps for him it's an already common and maybe liking sensation.

Oh, how much we dare to fight for something we know; can't be changed. We have the right of not following the same stuff after all, unless you've catalogued yourself as a robot; there's where things change even more.

It's all about respect; 'cause fighting it's stunningly pointless. It's all about seeing a positive side of it; we just can't be destroying the only life we have; think about it.

And I lay here; describing my random thoughts over a beautiful morning light through the outside; smiling faintly like a dork because I had nothing else to do.

Right now, I could be on and on, but time ran up when I saw a familiar car moving towards me. Good-bye; or may I say; see you later.

In and out, the life's writer.

Paris was a feast

2008-04-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

[created on September 15, 2007.]

"You knew there would always be a spring…as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. When cold rains kept on and killed the spring…..

It was though a young person had died for no reason." -

"A movable feast" - Ernest Hemingway
__________________________________________________________________

"If you'd known this was going to happen…would you have done it?"

"I would rather have had one touch of her hand; one presence of her lips over mine, one smell of her essence than live an eternity without it. One"

Paris, France – October 16th 1984

Today I shall hear the sounds of the crashing waves again. When the single melody behind the crashing clock of the afternoon observed between us; and we just stay with our eyes closed. I never, never get tired of it; it is something unimaginable, something that a complete mortal would have never heard, or even pay attention to it. Not until you discover the real message behind it.

I am a messenger. A novelist of God; I am around you, in every single breathe you give, and I write everything the world could give in the senses of my hearing inside the diary library I visit. Sheltered books and me beside you while you flip the pages, hearing inside your thoughts and I closing my eyes; extending my arms without any of you noticing; I live in a library. Anyhow, how would you notice?

I walk between you, even inside you. I touch you while you can't see me and still you make your routine activities. You sometimes see me, fix your eyes over me, and I get completely scared of being discovered; but then you seem to forget. I visit this ocean world eternally which I sometimes can not understand, and still making peace inside you makes me feel phenomenal. But you can't notice, still can't.

Your words are always heard, my whispers are always softened. And you keep thinking there's nobody else beside you when you're alone, drinking water in your room; resting with a look over the empty chair I might be occupying.

I remember. I remember.

When your blue lighting eyes could caught me in twirl winds; when your smile fold unconsciously thinking you might be imagine things, and I laughing softly between your sheets; because of what you have seen it is real. Your chestnut hair, you're pale and yet shining…your thoughts, pure thoughts I couldn't even imagine a person could have. Since the first day I guard you it was all different, like if for the first time I would like to feel the meanings of the talking voices when I walk around.

I dress always in black; and you dress always in multi-colors. I am to be unperceived; you are to be noticed. I am here to take care of you, to help you; you are there to just believe and feel secure. It is somehow odd, than in some place or other the question came to mind: "Can an angel fall in love?"

We can fall from the sky, fall from a building and without any further reason feel the pain. But can we? It is something I could not tell because I've never been able to find the correct words; or even feel attached to it. But is it, that when I close my eyes and hold my figurative breath I can feel it closer?

Or what is a feel?

I am sorry; I was born being an angel. Some things can't be explain to me until I experience them, but I don't want to. You make me don't want to; because I still want to protect you in all the ways possible I can, even if you can't see me, even if you can't touch me; only when I want to.

I do not have wings, but I still can make you fly if you want me to. I can walk in high buildings and sit with others that can do the same; I only can feel the melodic wave again within your image.

A friend of mine; who decided to jump from a building and became a human just for love, died at the other day. And in one day, he perceived all the feelings in the entire planet before coming to us once again.

"If you'd known this was going to happen…would you have done it?"

"I would rather have had one touch of her hand; one presence of her lips over mine, one smell of her essence than live an eternity without it. One"

But I am still perpetual; again enchanted; the glory of an Angel. Sitting in a movable chair next to you; inside my diary library you come to visit twice a week.

Paris was a movable feast when you came around.

Gray clouds can shine.

2008-04-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Remember,
everything's going to be alright.

Time flies by and yet she cannot understand this awkward feeling; all the living memories which haunted her without any reason because, after all, she wasn't the witness of such momentums, she wasn't even the alive theory of the people who surrounded her and suddenly drowned her in their own remembrances.

How non-understandable and yet fantastic is to live inside a negative side; surrounded by spider webs that suddenly and without noticing, contemplate the brighter side of an upcoming realization.

And here she is, writing through all this; sitting between an emptiness that is not worth describing, the crying of the invisible presence in saying words without any destination, without any way to make them out because she doesn't know in where she is even living right now. The mirror only reflects herself and the pale semblant coming through her hands, invading her completely; sweet love that fed her life, now destroyed.

She is what everything was, she was what one day was on a far away morning and a starry night. A million miles separating her inside all the dreams she once kept; missing them was not even thought in her mind, she felt her fingers interlacing the last traces of a long lost recuperation. But then, the last time was repeated over again, melodies made her turn up to another direction, a window once covered in grayish surface and brown dust made her hand pass and clean it completely, the extended hand turning into a dirty fist.

Contemplating the gray skies; she remembered always living like this. She did not know whether it was her heart living inside a storm of endless sadness, or just the days and weather of a global warming spring. As well, she remembered that this started when all her hopes become to destroy so surprisingly underneath her, making her live on a cage herself made; but today, today it was different.

Her lips curved into a smile, the time was finally done; she was already tired of the same view, everything just pretended to be something it wasn't, something that couldn't be like that forever in eternity. Her mind opened as her blurry eyes looked even more up, the sky still had gray clouds on them, painted by rays of sun coming out faintly through holes, the paradise was drew with even more colors; it wasn't black and white anymore.

Hands extending, the opening of a window was made; the felt of the breeze towards her face made her actually live again.

And then you say, there's no way to change?

One day the world will show you; gray clouds can shine.

Hero*

2008-04-05T00:52:00.000-07:00

Look up, your eyes are the size of the moon today.

And not even today; but every single minute an imaginary smile cause the passing of your face. Brighting yellowish blue; your eyelids seem to close inside the breeze of a night, oh clear night with shining stars.

The innocent face I knew quite time ago; which I didn't even know would be causing me this suddenly shocking admiration towards you. The beautifulness of a complete human being; even towards the downstairs you simply pretend that everything will be alright; while I just keep containing my crystalized eyes by holding your hand inside my mind.

But you've always been so far away; yet many coincidences keep passing through our both ways, and yet my name cannot be spoken in your lips; I've never told you. By taking the time I can only reunite pieces of paper with my remembrance drawing; I still remember the sound of the piano hitting softly while your steps disappeared serenely without saying a word.

Those dreams, because you never came here; and you never went away. Red shadow of heart, saving you like the first day, or even more. If you only knew; this pathethic containing of bursting feelings, if you only knew; how much I admire the way you've stood up inside everyone else.

Your way of words; your silence in deep actions. Your voice, sweetness of melodies which I hear every single day; just yourself, the strongest one, the sensitive one, the positive one. You, the one who cares and the one I save in my heart without any effort.

Keep going there, never dare to change. My eyes only keep transforming into blurry sensations as I only think; perhaps you'll never read this, but still the going out of transgressions told me to, the beating heart of an always soul.

Boy of admiration.

Hold On, Together we'll survive; Hero.

Situational appareance.

2008-03-25T01:50:00.000-07:00

"A man tell his stories so many times, that he becomes the stories.

They live after him.

& in that way, he becomes inmortal."

-Big Fish.

Welcome to the life of a frustrated writer.